


Hunger

by availiable



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Anorexia, Anorexia Nervosa, Louis-centric, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 10:45:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7841704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/availiable/pseuds/availiable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Numbers have become his life, and he doesn't even like maths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hunger

**Author's Note:**

> The title will soon be replaced.

Louis doesn't know when it started. It's like suddenly it was there and honestly, it feels like it has been his whole life because now he thinks that he wouldn't be able to live without it. It's the hunger, the feeling of having control over at least something.

It feels like forever since he last ate a real meal and that nothing makes him happier. Although sometimes at night he just wants to abort this whole thing, because it just gets too much. The constant thought of having to move to burn some calories and not just sit there, not eat anything because it only resolves into more fat, the counting of calories whenever he sees something.

Numbers have become his life, and he doesn't even like maths. Whenever he doesn't know how many calories something has, he feels the need to run home, look it up and see whether it fits on the list of safe foods or fear foods. It's not rare that he doesn't know what is better. Safe food means he has one more product to eat, but there also comes one more food that is tempting. Fear food means there is always this fear that someday you are going to eat it and regret it so badly and have to skip eating altogether the next day.

Right now he is lying in his bed, listening to the soft breaths his dog, Albert, is making and trying to forget the painful cramps in his stomach because of the lack of food. He deliberately drank a tea before going to bed - just a small one, he didn't want to have to pee in the middle oft the night - to feel warmer and reduce the groans his stomach made nonstop. But as he lies there, he realises his plan didn't do anything, now he still has to go to the toilet.

He slowly gets up, it still feels like he is running a marathon, and goes to the bathroom. At daytime it is okay, they make him happy, the cramps. He knows the next day he is going to wake up skinnier. But at night, when he wants nothing more than to sleep, he wonders whether he'll really wake up skinnier because he doesn't even fall asleep.

And that's the problem. In his opinion, the bags under his eyes are prominent and everybody who took even the slightest glance at him would perceive that he hasn't slept for quite a time. But nobody does. He's not disappointed at his parents, because, well, they never really cared. The only thing that seems to count for them is work. Work, work and more work. He wonders how they even managed to get him and look after him when he was a baby. But his friends, his mates, Harry, Liam, Zayn and Niall, from them he would have expected some welfare. But they just don't.

He supposes it is better that way, he doesn't have to lie or something like that and tell them some things he wouldn't want to. But the hurt still doesn't go away. And he finally realises how alone he has been all the years. He has always thought that it has just been his imagination, with him not really being the most confident person, but now he realises, he truly sees that he is the least loved among the group of them. They always cared for each other, but there was never someone who cared for Louis.

But it's okay. At least that's what Louis tells himself. He doesn't need them. He just needs to feel it. And in some ways he's right, the hunger is keeping him alive. Without it, he would be nothing. Maybe even less than nothing, if that even exists. A black hole sounds nice in Louis' ears.

The moment he is lying on the bed again and surrounded by his thick - yet still not seeming to be thick enough, he gets goosebumps over and over again - blankets, he lets out a sigh. The little walk towards and back from the bathroom seemed enough to keep Louis out of breath for some minutes.

Everything he does now is getting harder. Every movement hurts and makes his body ache so, so badly. He tries to enjoy it, the pain, but most of the time he is failing miserably. He's never been much of a fighter, anyway.

Sleep still seems so far away, but somehow he manages to catch it. And he won't let it go for some time, at least he doesn't want to.

~~~

His mother is waking him up sooner than he would have wanted to. But he has no say in it. He has to go to school although it has become his least favourite thing of the day. It wasn't the learning, no, he actually likes it. Or he did, everything is so different now. It's the people, well not really them. He fears them starting to bully him because of his weight, sometimes he even dreams about it.

He hears them laughing at him, pushing him and calling him nasty names. And the moment he wakes up, the laughter is still there and echoes in his mind for some seconds before it stops.

He really hates school.

His mother has already left the room when he is finally able to sit up rightly. His bones are aching nonstop and he decides he has to eat something for breakfast, no matter how disgusting the idea sounds to him in his head. He has no choice. Fainting in school would be way worse than eating something, nibbling he corrects it.

His shower is really short this morning, he comes out of it not even three minutes later. His legs are so weak, he isn't able to hold himself up for more than some minutes. But it's okay. It has to be.

It is the end of August and he is already freezing most of the time and wearing thick sweaters and sometimes scarfs. Today he decides for a thin sweater which isn't really big and the thickest sweater he could find to wear it over it, so that nobody sees he is wearing more layers of clothes. And when he still thinks this isn't enough, he pulls out a plain white t-shirt and puts it under everything.

The walking down the stairs takes him around one or two minutes and he is thankful that the stairs don't make any sounds, so that his parents don't notice him being so slow. The smell of scrambled eggs immediately hits his nose once he enters the kitchen and he has to suppress a smile that wants to make his way onto his face. He can't smile because of food, impossible. That would be like treason.

But he still licks his lips - just a little bit, not too obvious - and grabs the fork when he has sat down. He tells himself not to eat much, that would only result into more fat and he can't afford it. But it seems like he is in a daze while eating, so when his eyes 'uncloud', the plate in front of him is empty and he stares disbelievingly at it. He can't believe it.

Suddenly his mother is standing right behind him and smiles down on him. "Do you want some more, honey? I am really glad that you are eating breakfast again, I was starting to worry."

He wants to slap her for asking such a dumb question. Of course he wants, but he can't. So he declines. "No thanks, Mom. I'm full now. There's only so much that a stomach can take at a time", he jokes, trying to lighten the mood and failing miserably.

She lightly 'tsk's and pets his head, just a little sweet gesture. A sign to know that she still cares. And it's enough. It's more than he could ask for. Maybe she isn't a bad person after all.

He stands up and excuses himself from the table already feeling better and stronger again. The next minutes of him brushing his teeth are containing him smiling from ear to ear, because food is good for something after all. He knows he is betraying it right now, but he can't help it. Food has showed its magic to him and he is fascinated, he always thought food only wanted to make you fat.

When he is walking down the stairs with a bag over his shoulders, he is whistling a soft tune and although he still feels a little bit unsure on his feet, he is grand. He feels better than he has in some years and it's just wonderful.

With a short goodbye to his parents, just a quick shout, he closes the front door and steps out to the street.

As he starts walking to school, the guilt floods him. His stomach aches from feeling so full, he can feel a tiny bump as his hands gaze it and already misses the hunger again.

Numbers start popping up again - the full impact of the calories dawning on him.

One serving of scrambled eggs = 200. Four slices of bacon = 184.

He has already eaten almost 400 cals and the day has not even begun, he thinks to himself as he hurries down the road to school, wanting nothing more than to arrive there. Or more precisely, he wants to go to the toilets, wants nothing more than to kneel down and just brush the back of his throat with two of his fingers - he wants to let it all out again. Wants to make up for his mistake.

Angst-ridden, he realises he needs another 20 minutes to make it to the toilet and wonders how much of the food will already be digested by then. His hands starts sweating. How could he feel so happy some minutes ago when all he did was sin?

He doesn't know.

As he starts getting more frustrated by every second passing by, a honk suddenly emits from behind him.

"Louis", he hears a voice say and he already knows who it is, even without looking. "Come on in, I can bring you to school."

He looks behind him, sees the breathtaking green eyes staring right back at him and wants to decline, he really does, but his stomach feels like exploding.

He doesn't want to but he still says yes.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think. :)


End file.
